As Starbreeze inches ever closer to the record for the longest serverless days in history, I believe now is the perfect time to sift through Payday 3’s many reviews.
As of writing, Payday 3 boasts a solid five out of 10 on Steam, with each day bringing them closer to Overwatch 2’s impressive review record as the worst-rated game on the platform. Almost a week of off-and-on server malfunctions is more than enough time for a title to rack up top-tier reviews. Over 34,000 reviews have been submitted to Steam, with many being very serious critiques of Starbreeze’s Payday 3 decisions.
While many words can paint quite a large picture, the short and sweet reviews I’ve collated provide the clearest image of Payday 3 you can find.
10 Funniest Payday 3 Reviews
This list consists of some of the best quotes I could find during my extensive time researching the community’s reactions to the catastrophe that was Payday 3’s debut week. This top-ten list below summarises the baron wasteland that Starbreeze’s servers provide, but also openly mocks the people who care way too much.
Feel free to critique me and review me as you did Payday 3. I am but one human server and I’m online for roughly 16 hours a day (on a good day). My Twitter and work email are listed at the bottom of this article.
But keep in mind, I also own Payday 3.
10) “I feel like I want to cry”
The full 257-word review need not be read. Simply gaze at the title and you’ll understand the truly traumatic experience forced upon this gamer, as they willingly handed their money over to the evil, overlords Starbreeze Studios.
Let your tears flow Marshmellow, I’ve already judged.
But in all fairness, the Payday franchise has managed to collect quite a following over its lifespan. Almost 250,000 concurrent players on Steam alone played Payday 2 at its peak, according to SteamCharts, and with Payday 3 struggling upon release, players are understandably upset.
9) “Game no work :(”
No one said it quite like Papa Chug. “Game no work” and they’re right. As a fellow Payday 3 gamer, I too have experienced the woes brought upon by the failed online matchmaking. It’s undeniably frustrating, and Mr. Chug expresses their thoughts so eloquently in just three words.
8)” Please refund this game so more servers will be open and I can finally have a single-player lobby.”
By The Ass Blasting Butt Blaster
The Ass Blasting Butt Blaster seems to be one of the more pragmatic users on Steam currently. His approach not only puts money back in the pockets of a frustrated player base but also fixes Payday 3’s server issues in one fell swoop.
And thanks for asking so nicely—maybe I will.
7) “So immersive in that you’re actually getting robbed of $40 or more to sit on a menu screen”
Players have been stuck staring at the main menu screen for hours. This is also paired with a matchmaking screen that lasts several minutes before revealing that servers are down.
This joke was repeated multiple times throughout my travels into the depths of Payday 3’s reviews. But, in all fairness, I must acknowledge this would’ve been funny the first time it was posted. Well done, whoever said it first. Not you Box Buddy, you did bad.
6) “Let’s be real ya’ll, the heist was making people wait 2 hours on matchmaking so that they can’t get a refund.”
A conspiracy theory that really makes you think. As it can take a considerable amount of time to join a match, the two-hour refund period can be quickly and easily consumed. With heists that can take 30 minutes on top of that, Payday 3 should be refundable until the end of time—or for at least three-ish hours.
5) “Can I please play the video gaming product that I paid money for”
The only gameplay avenue available to Payday 3 players, if the servers are down, is the tutorial missions. This can get boring, quickly. This review manages to capture the essence of every single complaint and tug at my heartstrings at the same time. Again, saying please is a nice touch. I’m sure Starbreeze really kicked into gear after reading that.
4) “The matchmaking got me feeling like Sisyphus.”
Always been a fan of a Greek mythology reference. Trying to play Payday 3 has truly been a herculean effort, and I respect your struggles Corb_Borb.
Players have also struggled to coordinate a plan of attack in their Payday 3 matches. Different strategies simply cannot be planned thanks to a lack of communication methods in the pre-game lobby.
Thus, making a stealth-only heist an uphill battle.
3) “It’s been 3 hours and still not been able to match make for a solo lobby. I’ve gotten pretty good at google doodle snake though.”
This review pairs well with number six. At this point, April won’t be able to refund Payday 3 due to Steam’s return policy. I’ve also looked up “Google Doodle Snake” and I’m not sure if she just meant the regular version of the classic Nokia game “Snake” playable on Google. Not sure where the doodle comes from though.
2) “This game needs a medic bag”
Payday 3 is in dire need of a fix, and a medic bag might not be enough, Fray.
1) “I don’t care about the money I just want to shoot people”
Potto has simple goals, and I want to help him achieve them. Only in Payday 3, however. I also loved that Potto received Payday 3 for free, then left a positive review, and said nothing of value—at all. Be like Potto.
