For many game developers, April Fools’ Day is one of the best opportunities to include zany features in games, or trick fans into believing unorthodox updates are being added. Riot Games has been known to join in on the fun over the past decade, and they’re taking it a few steps further with VALORANT this year.
As part of today’s shenanigans, Riot released a list of patch notes for an “upcoming” VALORANT update that, at first glance, appears rather standard, but upon closer inspection, is simply the development team playing along with well-established memes within the community. These patch notes do not indicate any changes that are actually being added to the game, and are simply an April Fools’ joke.
The patch notes include:
AGENT UPDATES
- Wingman can now pick up and shoot guns
- say less—our bestie, Wingman, can now pull up onto site with an Op
- Proximity to Brimstone’s beard adds rapid fire
- Brim looked us square in the eye and gave us a good firm handshake and we just couldn’t say no
COMPETITIVE UPDATES
- VALORANT e-daters in Ranked will automatically be funnelled to a dedicated queue where they can only hear one another’s voice comms
- Cuffing season may be over, but if you and your situationship are tryna link over VALORANT without getting absolutely merked by your teammates, we gotchu fam.
GAMEPLAY SYSTEMS UPDATES
- Shots fired while in spawn will now shoot into enemy spawn
- map control is mid anyway
- Jett dash is now cooldown based instead of charge based and the cooldown is now set to 0.5 seconds
- we love Jett and we love cars so we made her dash cooldown 0.5 seconds. Jett boutta pull up skrt skrt
MAPS UPDATES
- Breeze is now the only map, and it comes with cabanas and adirondack chairs
- Your timeshare is once again open for business.
MODES UPDATES
- Suss Teammate Mode: Solo queue with scoreboard and comms turned off
- because like why are you bottom fragging and not using comms — pick a struggle.
PERFORMANCE UPDATES
- In Game Leads will now get an “aged” effect face filter applied to their Agent
- When I was your age they used to say, “youth is wasted on the young.” Different times.
PROGRESSION UPDATES
- You can now progress the Battlepass on your stationary bike
- not you forgetting to complete the last Battlepass
SOCIAL UPDATES
- Use of “VALORANT Accent” in voice comms is now automatically translated
WEAPONS UPDATES
- We’ve seen the online banter of which is better: Vandal or Phantom. To make the decision easier, we are removing the Vandal from the shop.
- friendship ended with Vandal now Phantom is your best friend #phantoms4life
Among the bizarre changes listed in these patch notes are a plethora of updates to the abilities of existing agents, some completely changing how the agents work. For example, Gekko’s Wingman is listed as being able to pick up and use any gun at its disposal, and Jett can dash every 0.5 seconds instead of having to wait for the ability to charge. Players would even see their fire rate increase for simply being near Brimstone’s beard.
Riot also played towards VALORANT memes further by listing that the Vandal would be removed from purchase in the in-game shop, while everyone’s favorite, unproblematic map Breeze would be the only map in the pool, complete with some new furniture. And if you’re tired of hearing couples in your games, don’t worry—any flirting in Ranked would be moved to a voice channel for just those two players with these conceptual patch notes.
While none of these changes are actually being added to VALORANT at any point in the near future, it’s clear that Riot is more than willing to amplify memes within the community—just be sure not to fall for their tricks.
